I’m told it happens to everyone - and I think I hit a wall the day after I pledged undying love for Cambodia and cheap bicycles. At some point everyone wakes up to a ce that isn't as enchanting as it was upon arrival. Of course it looks exactly the same, but suddenly sucking black exhaust from a truck packing pigs isn’t as much fun. By nature I’m pretty positive, and I don’t like to spend too much time dwelling on the stuff that can run me into the ground… but I want to be honest with the real experience and full range of emotions here. That being said, last week was rough. I have a clearer mind and a better disposition now, but there were definitely a few days spent moping, pouting, and questioning the purpose of life (I know, dramatic). I felt pretty detached from everything around me. I knew it was bad when I was irritated by smiling six year olds latched onto my leg and started dreaming of Russia or anywhere else in the world that had ice.
It started with a couple sleepless nights. I’ve been trying to brave the evening heat without an air conditioner, like my roommate, but I just have to give up the ideals of the Swiss powerhouse. She is tough as nails and has been here for ten years - I guess she can filter the particles that drift through the window when our neighbors burn their garbage and handle 90 degrees at two in the morning. I have decided to tip my hat and turn on the AC.
I think the greatest challenge right now is finding a way to be connected to people. I thrive on relationships, but those take longer to build here. As loving as the students and teachers are, many barriers still exist. There’s a difference between being welcome and being “in,” and try as I might to fit the mold of a Cambodian, it’s never gonna happen - especially if all I can say in Khmer is water and mango. I have to work harder and give more on a relational level. I went on a trip to the coast with the secondary students, which was a really fun time, but actually quite lonely. I’ve traveled alone a lot, but somehow being the person on the outskirts of a large group is much lonelier. I roomed with three other teachers, none of whom speak English. They were great and tried to include me, which I definitely appreciated. I sat on the floor and ate fruit with them while they listened to Khmer love ballads, but you know, there’s something kind of special about engaging in a conversation rather than observing one without subtitles. At one point during dinner with the rest of the teachers, one said, “Molly, so quiet?” I laughed. I don’t hear that often. It’s one big fat test of my security (or insecurity) – I have to trust that the people around me will be kind with their words. You know that feeling you have when everyone is laughing at a joke, and you don't get it? That's my life. I was worried at one point - one of my roommates was laughing about something, and all I could pull out was my name… I guess she was telling them about the number of times I hit my head on the doorway to the bathroom. Pretty funny.
This time is hard – I miss my family, I miss meeting friends for coffee and having deep conversations. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of work that is required to see change, and I question what my contribution will really be to the school and the lives of the kids. Seven months is a blink - two months have already flown by, and I'm still wrapping my head around things. But a new friend here said that my life in Cambodia is now beginning - when it no longer feels like a holiday. I think this is the time when my real motives will be exposed, as well as other characteristics – patience, perseverance, compassion (or lack thereof). Expectations versus the real world. I failed the first test, clearly. But I’ll give it another go and try to maintain a healthy perspective when I start sweating at 6:00 AM. Here’s to more life lessons!
'I’ve traveled alone a lot, but somehow being the person on the outskirts of a large group is much lonelier.' I know that feeling. And you've described well some real challenges and struggles you're facing. What you're doing isn't easy. I appreciated your next post, too, about perspective and not thinking your situation is harder than it is, especially relative to the circumstances of those around you. But I want to affirm your willingness to 'be honest with the real experience and full range of emotions.' You are experiencing a whirlwind of change, and are adapting on a host of different levels, and that is hard. Your struggles are different from those of the women and men you see on the streets of Cambodia--not more difficult, just different--but no less real. I'm glad to hear you navigating your way through the hard times by looking outside yourself and shifting your perspective; that's very healthy. And at the same time you should know that there are friends across the world reading what you write who are reconsidering their own struggles and shifting their perspectives due to what you are facing. Keep entering deeply into every experience, keep being fully you in relationship to others, and keep being faithful and there will be no limit to your own growth and the impact you'll continue to have on the world around you. Praying for you.
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