Decisions

I have never been good at making decisions. My brother and I used to spend an hour in the candy aisle at Rice’s Mini-Mart deciding how to spend our fifty cents. Now the stakes are higher than ten Jolly Ranchers or a Snickers bar. I‘ve been faced with many “life” decisions. In the process of navigating my way through them, I’ve been exposed to my own character (strengths and flaws), and I’ve been forced to really examine my own beliefs, values, and dreams. Sitting in the middle of another culture has helped me in this process in unexpected ways. I haven’t written much about my personal mental and spiritual wrestling match, (and I will continue refrain from going into the deep trenches of my heart so you aren’t reading a Dear Abby column) but I will say that this experience is teaching me things about myself that I didn’t plan on learning. This is the most significant part of the journey – the fried spiders and bus rides and rainstorms are fun, but the shaping of my mind and heart is really at the core of this experience. That’s the tough stuff, the beautiful stuff, the powerful stuff.
I left for Cambodia with a definite seven month plan and the possibility of extending that commitment if things were working for me and the directors of the school still wanted me around. I assumed (cannot do that …ever, ever, ever) that I would cross that bridge toward the end of the school year, but was faced with the decision about a month after arriving. As a result, I have been wrestling with the idea of committing another year to Cambodia since the end of February. It may not seem like a big deal, but it has been for me. For three months I have been falling asleep and waking up to a mental list of pros and cons. I’ve been contemplating conflicting dreams, and have become so frustrated that I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I want to continue to work in a developing country AND establish deep roots with my family and friends. Obviously both can’t happen simultaneously unless twenty people move to Asia or there is a global shift that propels Cambodia to the coast of Washington (which would be nice because the temperature would drop a good thirty degrees). The most difficult decisions are those without “right” answers. They force me to ask a billion questions. Am I really having an impact here or is this a selfish feel good experience? Will my relationships with the people I love hold up if I am away for an extended period of time? Am I using my talents the right way? I’m wired for this kind of life – it works - but am I being responsible? If I stay, does it mean that I’m signing up for another year in the singles club? Really, I’d rather not be a member anymore. And the big questions – have I given everything I can? Have I learned everything I should? Is my time here finished? I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to say yes.
I’ve been able to examine my motives for making decisions; am I pleasing people? Myself? God? Am I even really listening to His voice? Being part of the Khmer culture has helped me look some things in the eye. This is a culture that likes to look good. They want to save face at all costs, and they are constantly seeking approval. It is most visible to me in my classroom. They will not answer a question unless they are sure they are right. They look up with eyes that long for affirmation. I find myself jumping up and down, yelling, “Just try!” I beg them to be wrong- to feel good about their ideas, regardless of what others think. I plead with them to be more honest, even if it doesn’t look pretty. And recently it hit me square in the face that I can be the exact same way, and I’ve been paralyzed as a result. I can be very independent, but I am also easily swayed by emotions. I worry that my family will feel hurt if I stay. I worry that the teachers will feel neglected if I leave. I still want my parents to approve, my friends to understand, and my brother to agree with my choices. But life doesn’t work that way.
Applause fades quickly. Eventually we’re all left standing alone, looking in the mirror. And that’s kind of scary too. I want to spend myself on something I believe in. I’m learning in a very real way that I have to make decisions I can live with – whether or not they make sense to someone else. Even if others do see the same things, it’s viewed through a different lens. My purpose and perspective may be very different than that of the person standing next to me. Two different minds, two hearts that come alive in different ways. And that’s more than okay – I think it’s necessary. We’ll be used in different ways as a result. I simply have to be okay making decisions that others may not agree with or understand. On a personal level and a spiritual level. So now I need to heed the advice I have been giving to my students. The decisions aren't necessarily easier, but they can be simplified. Before I left, my dad wrote something on a card that I have read over and over. It said, "Keep true to yourself no matter how much advice people are willing to offer." I'm trying to figure out what that means when I'm torn between two worlds. But I'll try.